my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
