she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
