I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
