I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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