i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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