DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
