Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
