I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
well you can't waste a boner
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
