my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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