"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
