can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
