wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
