turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
