you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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