update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
