Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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