we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
