I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
