So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
