i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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