i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize