Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
