Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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