I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Everything about him screamed your future.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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