my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
