I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
its not stalking. its research.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize