i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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