She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
