I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
is it fun? or sober?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
