I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
