a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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