No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
