I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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