She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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