u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
