Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
