How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
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He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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