I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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