Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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