Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
