The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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