I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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