see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
