remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
