in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
