I bet he comes in French.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
