i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
