You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
