Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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