So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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