the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
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Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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