dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
