Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
