Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
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It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
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There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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