The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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